Be careful what you wish for...

I read the book titled: The Secret. Basically, it's like any form of faith, ask and you shall receive.

The whole point of the book is that you are the creator of your own universe (which I fully agree with) and that you can either bring the good, or the bad into your life. If you want something bad enough, you will being it towards you, but not by wanting it. Because then all you bringing into your life is want...

So, I spent my summer going through the seven stages of grief, forever stuck on bargaining and depression, none of which according to the book would help my cause.

Then it was the fall and the colours were so pretty and life was hectic busy and happening. School, work, gym and a social life. I was juggling it all and I was busy. Loving being busy, because being busy means I am not thinking about Him. And all the while, while I am busy being busy, I had little time to notice who had somewhat come back into my life.

When did it happen? Why am I only noticing now?

So, I acknowledged the presence and I welcome back the confusion and the pain. We are old pals and they never really left, they were just shoved in a corner while more important matters clouded my mind. They now have taken upon squatting front and center in my mind. Welcome back old friends, cant say I missed you.

So I did something ridiculous (some might say). I took a leap of faith, I took a risk, made a complete *Bad Girl* move that I am hoping pays off, instead of making me feel like an ass. I made a move that would bring him back into my life, all the while still making it his choice. I gave him an "in". The thumbs up. The "come Hither". But this also means I put myself out there for rejection. Which he'd be stupid to do, but something he still just might.

Sitting thinking about the bizarre occurrences that have brought him back into my life, I know I did it. Or fate did it. But either way, I have to now decide if its truly what I want. I remember wishing him back, but not necessarily back with me. Well baby, He's back.... And I want to want him. In fact, I do want him, but none of that matters if he doesn't want me..

So, I've literally put the ball in his court and sent it along with a box of cookies. And now I wait, while swathed in the magic of Christmas and the childhood habit of believing in it all; I wait. But not longer that till midnight of the 31st. Because my life does go on. I have held on so long, my arm are hurting, I can not and will not hold onto him and I forever.

And I said I forgot him, and that I didn't care, but he's back and well... I care.

Depending on how this all turns out, I might have to be careful what I wish for next...

Life's Lessons

Its amazing how we learn something new everyday.

Something about ourselves. Something about others.

Something logical that had never crossed our minds, and something so non-sensical that it could only make perfect sense.

Everday we are learning. Filing it away to pull out some time. Filing it away to gather dust, in the forgotten pile.

The hardest lesson I have learnt thus far that has changed me completely, is the lesson on love. Poets write about it. Musicians sing about it. Artists depict it. I lived through it.

He and I had something beautiful, but so dysfunctional it couldnt last. Loved him so, but I let him go, because I knew he'd never love me back.

I gave him everything. Everything. And then he disappeared from my life completely. I know what its like to be heartbroken. I spent my summer missing him. Trying to fill the black whole he'd left in me.

And sometimes I feel that I should have just told him that I was inlove with him...

I met a boy who gave me butterflies. A boy who took my breath away. He gave me sweaty palms, and he made my heart race. This boy made me smile just at the thought of him. When I knew I was going to see him: My heart would automatically go into overdrive. I would get so excited. Like a little kid on christmas morning.

This boy would look at me, and I would feel as if he's just looked into my soul. He's eyes, I would drown in. His smile, would make my legs shake. I would stutter when I spoke to him, and I would lose all coherant thought. It was Love.

20th June 2009. A date I will never forget. The most perfect night. Everytime I close my eyes i'm transported back to that night. His kisses still linger on my lips, his touch still burns in hot traces on my skin. My body remembers. My heart squeezes at the memory. My memory tries to forget.

I spent an entire summer trying to forget that night. To forget that boy. Steve, Michael, Jason, That guy whose name I cant remember, That guy whose name I wish I'd forget and Dan.... Dan... The only one who didnt make me gag in revulsion. The only one whose touch I didnt shy away from. And when he kissed me: After month after month of feeling dead inside. After months of longing, I felt something. A little flutter or a shattered and broken wing. Half a butterfly being brought back to life. I freaked out completely. Was I to just turn to this boy to heal me. To make me whole. The scariest thing of it all, I didnt want to forget The tall gorgeous boy with the beautiful brown eyes. So I shut Dan out. Filed him in the forgettable file.

I felt nothing. I still feel nothing.

Instead of missing my boy, I feel nothing. I dont even miss him anymore.

Then I see him. And he looks different. And even though I don't miss him anymore, I still love him. And all I can think about is having his arms around me. Yet I can barely look him in the eyes, because of my fear of what I will find there. I'm scared of what I'll find. I'm scared that I'll look into his eyes, and even though I already know he does not miss me, I'm scared that I will find that he does not love me.

And that first time I walk away, and it kills me. In fact, its so hard that I practically run away.

Then the second time I see him, he's sitting directly across from me, yet I still can not bring myself to look into his eyes. Still the fear clutches at me, freezing my organs making everything but avoiding his gave impossible. And that night, when he leaves, he looks at me (sadly?) and says goodbye, and I watch him go. I silently watch him walk away when all I want to do is stop him from leaving and crawl into his lap, listening to his heartbeat, feeling his breath on my skin. That's all I want, yet I watch him go.
I see him again after that... A windy, overcast, due to rain day. And I see him, standing across from me, and I hesitate for just a second before I let my feet carry me to him, and I stand so close to him, it feels so natural to be so near him. He puts his arm around me and pulls me even closer to him, squeezing me briefly before letting me go. How I wish he'd never let me go. At that moment, I look into his eyes and I remember what it felt like to fall into those eyes each and everyday. I remember what it was like to lose myself completely in those beautiful browns of his. And he's looking at me too (searching?) and he smiles... And my gaze drops to that beautiful smile that could make my heart skip a beat.

And after a while, I walk away. Because I am confused by the nothingness that I feel. I don't know what he found in my eyes, but he looked confused too. And I walked away from him, wanting to walk away... I never even turned around for one last look, I just walked away. And even though I will always, ALWAYS love him- I have got so used to being without him, that he no longer features.

I can breathe on my own without him. I can smile (I've got good at fake smiles) without him. I can breathe... That big black hole he left is still there, I've got used to it... But my longing for him, is gone. It doesn't hurt to think of him anymore.. Thinking of him does nothing, I feel nothing.

I'm waiting for his memory to make me smile. I'm waiting to realise how lucky I was to experience such an intense love. I was lucky. I got that love that poets and musicians and artists all craze about. I found a boy whose heart beat, matched mine. A boy, who when he stole my breath that night, gave me his. He stole a lot that night, but nothing I didn't want him to have. He stole some of my soul, and most of my heart. He stole my senses, my kisses, my breath... But he gave me beautiful memories. I just cant see the beauty through this empty nothingness right now.

I'm still in love with him. I still love him. But This door has closed, and I know that if I stare at it much longer, I will miss the next door that has opened. I just feel that I'm leaving this door incomplete. Except, I don't know how to finish it, without falling back into it... But something tells me that I just did.

That day when I looked at him and felt nothing. That day when I realised my palms weren't sweating, my heart wasn't racing as fast as it normally would around him, and my breathing was as normal. That day when walking away from him didn't feel as if I was tearing at my heart. When looking into his eyes didn't feel like I was falling into his soul.

I think that's the day I ended it... And that's OK.

I can breathe now. Everything is going to be fine. I can breathe...

Undeserved Heartbreak

Ever meet someone with whom you fall completely in love with?? I mean, so in love that its unconditional in every sense of the word.

Where no matter what that person does, its excusable some how. Easily forgiven. Brushed under the carpet and ignored. Not because you are weak in will and accept less than you deserve, but because you are blinded by love and drained of all logic.

I fell so incredibly in love with a boy with the most amazing brown eyes. The most heart stopping smile. And a voice that was rich and velvety to my ears. I fell inlove with a boy who took my breath away over and over again, to such degrees that I had to remind myself to breathe. This boy gave me butterflies that made me feel nauseous with their consistent flutter.

I fell in love with a boy who would make my mother pale and assure me disapproval from my family. A boy I had no business being about... A boy who, to me, was so beautiful, regardless of the battle scars from his life.

I've never been in a relationship so intense. where feelings of elation are bound to be followed by tears and pain. I've never been with someone who always broke me down, to make me feel as if he, and he alone could be the one to fix me.

And when he loved me back, I was whole... And when he was mean, I was in pieces. Over and over again this happend for 8 months.

People watched as I become a shadow of the person I used to be, while I fought tooth and nail to be the girl He wanted me to be. A girl he could love.

I've never had someone just touch me, and I go weak at the knees. Stare deeply into my eyes and dazzle me. Kiss me, and have me melt to a puddle only to be evaporated by our intense heat.

I've never been with some one who emotionally abused me as much as he did. I have never felt worse about myself, and I have yet to feel as good as I felt before him.

Yet I miss him. Every day. I think about him.

Some days I hate him. Others I feel like I will never stop loving him- and I dont know why...

Do I miss him... Or do I miss the emotional rollercoaster he put me on???

I believe that I miss who he was when I fell in love with him. Not who I finally walked away from, but not after giving him way more of myself than he deserved...

I dont knwo why they call it Heart Break, for the longest time it felt like my whole body was sore, bruised and battered.... He never gave me himself completely. Only in flash cards that left me wondering if I had conjured them up on my own...

I dont regret him, I just, wish he'd loved me more...

Hollys Inbox- A Novel

Ok, so i was sceptical at first, I had no idea what the concept behind Holly's inbox actually entailed. I was logging on to hollysinbox.com and I seemed to be reading through someone's emails... Weird...

Then I started catching on to the ins and outs of this womans emails.

HER LIFE WAS SCANDALOUS, and everything totally bizarre seemed to happen to her. I knew I was hooked when I was checking Holly's inbox about as much as I check my own!!!

Then I discovered it had been made into a book that was getting raving reviews and being called: "the next bridgette jones", of course, Holly's inbox holds its own and I doubt it will be in the shadow of Bridgette Jones for much longer!!!

Set in Britain, it sure does give me a good giggle, considering I LOVE British humour!

It makes me think if some one had to read my emails would they be as entertaining as that of the Huerst and Wright receptionist.

At first when I started reading I thought it would take a while, but it's made so easy to read i just gobbled it up and plowed straight through it, never a dull moment and I am really excited for the second book to come out :)

Good Job Holly!!!! I no longer feel as if I lead a rather humours life...

Its not a life changing novel, but it definately is a pick me upper feel good read!!! I give it four stars and two thumbs up!!!!

Guess who wont be eating Hershey chocolate for a while!

Ok, so I'm sure any one can think of any amount of ways to die, and I always thought chocolate was good way to go!

NOT ANY MORE!

By the sound of things this poor chap was first chopped and then boiled, all the while drowing in 8ft of boiling chocolate...???

Uh... I think not!

Then, as a "oh by the way", they just happen to mention that the chocolate that this unlucky chap fell into was meant to be Hershey bars....

Well, it took the rescue crews 10 minutes to arrive at the scene, and when they finally fished him out he was dead.

So, as to avoid finding a finger in my next hershey bar, I'm going to avoid Hershey all together... For a while anyway, its kinda hard to resist their: Special Dark chocolate, that is less than 200cal per bar :(

Oh well... check it out: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/5782944/Man-dies-after-falling-into-vat-of-chocolate.html

http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/20090708_Worker_falls_into_chocolate_vat__dies.html

Just because its hot outside, its Does not mean you can be topless!

Ok, i understand thats its the summer time and every one is out to get a tan.

But when you're 50, male, with a body that hasn't seen sunlight in a good couple of months AND you have man boobs that demand a training bra: DO NOT STAND TOPLESS ON YOUR FRONT LAWN!!!!! I nearly rear-ended the car in front of me, cos he too just had to get "one more look" at Mr "I'm too sexy for my shirt"!!!!!!

ArG!!!

I love the summer time, for the very fact that I can perv over all the gorgeously toned bodies out there, but seeing Mr Main street shirtless, makes me want to wish for a never ending down pour! I mean dude, atleast go shirtless in your back yard! Not on main street where every Tom, Dick and Harry driving through town can see you!!!!!!!

Is it just me? I mean, I can be ridiculous, but being pasty white with saggy man-boobs seems something that should be kept to yourself, no need to share it with the world!!!!

Blogging!!

Yay!!! I finally have my own blog! A place I can vent, rant and rave. All the while hoping I make even a tiny bit of sense :)

Wow! I always thought i was pretty tech savvy untill i tried to set this page up! Wowie, it took FOREVER!!! But then again, had i read the instructions before hand, it probly would not have taken me so long. Kinda like my camera... I still dont know how to figure out my battery life untill the screen reads: BATTERY EXHAUSTED on a rather intrusive white screen?? I mean, COME ON! How hard can it be?? there should be a little battery icon SOMEWHERE on the screen... I've eventually given up... And perhaps still, I should read the instructions :)

Ok, well, Here's to happy blogging :)