I always knew there would come a day I would meet someone who rivals the love I have for my brown eyed boy.
I always knew I would meet some one. Someone who makes me question why I loved someone else for so long.
I always knew that it would be simple and sweet and quiet in its presence, and that deciding to love him, would not be hard at all.
But never once did I imagine that he would be so hurt, and wounded, and so deeply scarred that it would make it hard for him to accept that I love him, which in turn, makes it hard for me to keep loving him, and to love him fully as I want to.
Lets call him Mr Grumpy...
The day I met Mr Grumpy, the first thing I noticed about him is his sparkly turquoise blue eyes. They were crystal clear and they danced as if they knew my secret. He had such beautiful blue eyes, but he irritated me when I met him. And I irritated him. Our meet-cute was anything but cute. I wasn't expecting him (as far as expecting someone to walk into your life and make you love them goes). The day I met him, I walked away disappointed, this wasn't the prince I had heard about. This wasn't the fun happy guy I knew was out there. I was irritated that I'd let myself believe that good guys actually still existed.
I walked away from our meeting declaring him a 6, and not worth much my time. I walked away from him having written him off. He was not my knight in shining armor, not even looking sharp in his camo.
And I don't know the exact moment it happened. I don't know what he said, or why I smiled, but it was so subtle that I hadn't even realised I'd let him in.
I don't know if it was the mischievous twinkle in his eye when he smiled, or the way his voice made my hair stand on end, in a good way. Maybe I just liked the sound of his voice, gruff yet gentle at the same time.
I didn't understand why when he left: I missed him... I'd just met him.
I remember our second intentional run in. I wore a dress, he wore a dark grey t-shirt. He told me I was beautiful and I believed him. And when he kissed me, he made me tingle, and I wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling in my kiss. But it was in his kiss I realised I needed to tread carefully, and looking into his eyes afterwards confirmed it. He looked sad.
My knight has scars of a different kind. His wounds run so deep: the hurt still flows in his veins. He is angry because the person who was supposed to love him the most, treated him the worst. He is angry because he didn't ask for the life he was born into, and because of it, he suffers. He doesn't believe he is lovable. I don't even think he looks into the mirror and sees how truly beautiful he is. I don't think when he looks into his heart, he sees what I see. I want to wrap my arms around him and let him wash away his hurt with the tears he can barely hold back. I want to hold him and tell him that he turned out good. That he turned out great.
I want to tell him that I think he is so brave. That he is a walking hero in every right and that he is destined for happiness, if he lets it. I want to tell him that he is lovable, that I love him, for who he is, not what he represents. I want him to know that its not where he comes from that matters, but where his life is heading and how he gets there. I want him to know that if he just let me, it could be beautiful. It could be wonderful and it could be great.
He will make a great husband, an adoring, loving, gentle soul. He will make a good dad; his determination to right his parents mistakes are what will make him a great parent. He wants what I want. The only difference is; he doesn't believe for a second that he deserves it. He doesn't think anyone will ever love him, for him. And its so frustrating because that's just not true.
We talked for hours, my knight and I. He let me in. He trusted me enough to let me in, and I was there to listen; grateful that he could trust me...
He made me promises I truly believe he wanted to keep. The scars that run so deep make it hard for him to trust my sincerity and my honesty. So he pushed me away; gently as not to hurt me... but he pushed me away.
And although its not that broken splintered hurt I feel with my brown eyed boy, it still hurts. And the reason I think it hurts is because I want to save him. I know I can save him. I know I can make him happy and that he can make me happy. We want all the same things in life, we want to be happy. His idea of happiness, mirrors mine.
I want to be the one to make him smile, and he can be the one to make me laugh. I want to be with someone who makes me tingle when he kisses me. I wouldn't mind growing old and having those blue eyes be the first thing when I wake up, or the last when I go to sleep.
Howver, I have to be realistic about him. About me...
I have to remember that his life is the army. I have to remember that what he has been through has made him who he is and that all that he has been through will always be his demons.
I don't wish I had never met him. I am so glad I did. He made me realise that there are good men out there, and that I have it in me to fall in love again.
I don't think this is the end of our story, but even saying that I know that my life is leading me in such a direction that this chapter is closing and a new one is starting. I am slightly sad that our story just hovers, not ending, not to be continued, nothing... It just is. It's like it happened, but it never really happened enough to be able to draw a conclusion about it.
And what makes me sad is how much I loved talking to him. Sure, his kisses didn't suck, but his conversation was like fairy dust: rare and precious and magical and enchanting.
My knight left on a metal bird back to his land, and I stayed here. Not trapped in a tower, not living with dwarfs and with no poisonous apples. But, I cant help wishing that he'll be back for me with a glass slipper, a diamond ring and a happily ever after. We both deserve to be happy, why not be happy together?
I wish I'd told him everything, but then again, I wish he'd listen.
He changed me. And I think about those blue eyes all the time. I look for that sparkle in faces in the crowd. I have mornings where I wake up with him being the first thing on my mind, and his memory isn't fading...
