My Knight Wore Camo

I always knew there would come a day I would meet someone who rivals the love I have for my brown eyed boy.

I always knew I would meet some one. Someone who makes me question why I loved someone else for so long.

I always knew that it would be simple and sweet and quiet in its presence, and that deciding to love him, would not be hard at all.

But never once did I imagine that he would be so hurt, and wounded, and so deeply scarred that it would make it hard for him to accept that I love him, which in turn, makes it hard for me to keep loving him, and to love him fully as I want to.

Lets call him Mr Grumpy...

The day I met Mr Grumpy, the first thing I noticed about him is his sparkly turquoise blue eyes. They were crystal clear and they danced as if they knew my secret. He had such beautiful blue eyes, but he irritated me when I met him. And I irritated him. Our meet-cute was anything but cute. I wasn't expecting him (as far as expecting someone to walk into your life and make you love them goes). The day I met him, I walked away disappointed, this wasn't the prince I had heard about. This wasn't the fun happy guy I knew was out there. I was irritated that I'd let myself believe that good guys actually still existed.

I walked away from our meeting declaring him a 6, and not worth much my time. I walked away from him having written him off. He was not my knight in shining armor, not even looking sharp in his camo.

And I don't know the exact moment it happened. I don't know what he said, or why I smiled, but it was so subtle that I hadn't even realised I'd let him in.

I don't know if it was the mischievous twinkle in his eye when he smiled, or the way his voice made my hair stand on end, in a good way. Maybe I just liked the sound of his voice, gruff yet gentle at the same time.

I didn't understand why when he left: I missed him... I'd just met him.

I remember our second intentional run in. I wore a dress, he wore a dark grey t-shirt. He told me I was beautiful and I believed him. And when he kissed me, he made me tingle, and I wanted to keep kissing him. I wanted to tell him how I was feeling in my kiss. But it was in his kiss I realised I needed to tread carefully, and looking into his eyes afterwards confirmed it. He looked sad.

My knight has scars of a different kind. His wounds run so deep: the hurt still flows in his veins. He is angry because the person who was supposed to love him the most, treated him the worst. He is angry because he didn't ask for the life he was born into, and because of it, he suffers. He doesn't believe he is lovable. I don't even think he looks into the mirror and sees how truly beautiful he is. I don't think when he looks into his heart, he sees what I see. I want to wrap my arms around him and let him wash away his hurt with the tears he can barely hold back. I want to hold him and tell him that he turned out good. That he turned out great.

I want to tell him that I think he is so brave. That he is a walking hero in every right and that he is destined for happiness, if he lets it. I want to tell him that he is lovable, that I love him, for who he is, not what he represents. I want him to know that its not where he comes from that matters, but where his life is heading and how he gets there. I want him to know that if he just let me, it could be beautiful. It could be wonderful and it could be great.

He will make a great husband, an adoring, loving, gentle soul. He will make a good dad; his determination to right his parents mistakes are what will make him a great parent. He wants what I want. The only difference is; he doesn't believe for a second that he deserves it. He doesn't think anyone will ever love him, for him. And its so frustrating because that's just not true.

We talked for hours, my knight and I. He let me in. He trusted me enough to let me in, and I was there to listen; grateful that he could trust me...

He made me promises I truly believe he wanted to keep. The scars that run so deep make it hard for him to trust my sincerity and my honesty. So he pushed me away; gently as not to hurt me... but he pushed me away.

And although its not that broken splintered hurt I feel with my brown eyed boy, it still hurts. And the reason I think it hurts is because I want to save him. I know I can save him. I know I can make him happy and that he can make me happy. We want all the same things in life, we want to be happy. His idea of happiness, mirrors mine.

I want to be the one to make him smile, and he can be the one to make me laugh. I want to be with someone who makes me tingle when he kisses me. I wouldn't mind growing old and having those blue eyes be the first thing when I wake up, or the last when I go to sleep.

Howver, I have to be realistic about him. About me...

I have to remember that his life is the army. I have to remember that what he has been through has made him who he is and that all that he has been through will always be his demons.

I don't wish I had never met him. I am so glad I did. He made me realise that there are good men out there, and that I have it in me to fall in love again.

I don't think this is the end of our story, but even saying that I know that my life is leading me in such a direction that this chapter is closing and a new one is starting. I am slightly sad that our story just hovers, not ending, not to be continued, nothing... It just is. It's like it happened, but it never really happened enough to be able to draw a conclusion about it.

And what makes me sad is how much I loved talking to him. Sure, his kisses didn't suck, but his conversation was like fairy dust: rare and precious and magical and enchanting.

My knight left on a metal bird back to his land, and I stayed here. Not trapped in a tower, not living with dwarfs and with no poisonous apples. But, I cant help wishing that he'll be back for me with a glass slipper, a diamond ring and a happily ever after. We both deserve to be happy, why not be happy together?

I wish I'd told him everything, but then again, I wish he'd listen.

He changed me. And I think about those blue eyes all the time. I look for that sparkle in faces in the crowd. I have mornings where I wake up with him being the first thing on my mind, and his memory isn't fading...

Being Female In 2010

I am so annoyed. I know, I know, great way to start a blog once again. I am just brimming with world shattering introductions.

But seriously, I am over this now.

Women fought for equal rights and equal opportunities and the right not to be referred to by a condescending name such as "sugar" accompanied with a slap on the butt and an over exaggerated wink.

Women were burning there bras (which were WAY ugly back then) so that they could be themselves and not have to fit into a mould. Women wanted to show their strengths without having men doubt them. We wanted to think for ourselves. Be ourselves. Make our own decisions and at the end of it all, get what WE WANT.

So then WHY OH WHY does that rule not apply to men???

Why is it, that I can decide for myself education, clothing, whether to marry or not, whether to have children or not, whether to stay at home or be a career orientated woman? Why can I be the CEO of a international company, hire and fire, and make decisions and it's OK. Yet the moment I find a man I want, I can not go after him with the same zealous attitude I would have in conquering a goal, or a mountain, or a promotion, or a competition?? What the eff makes men so god damn special that I have to wait for THEM to decide?!

Arg, and I get so annoyed because why is it I am allowed to know what I want with every aspect of my life, and I am encouraged to go get it with absolute gumption, yet when it's a man I can not.

This is apparently something I just need to "deal with" in life. Knowing what I want seems to be somewhat of a curse, when applicable to the male species. It makes me come across as "desperate". Or "too forward." What ever happened to DECISIVE.

I want to conquer the world. I want to reach my goals and live my dreams yet i am somewhat harnessed back by the fact that when it comes to males the decision isn't all mine! We have to play this stupid game. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES. I have a life to live, and unfortunately for you, it's FIFO: Fit In Or ---- You fill in the blanks.

It's so frustrating and I don't see why I have to settle if I want happiness, no where in settling does it say I will be content and happy. And how will I live with myself knowing I short changed what I deserve. That's no way for me to live. And quite frankly I refuse to be that way.

I once attempted to change who I was to be perfect for someone else, I refuse to do that to myself anymore. If a man can not handle the fact that I am wonderful and fabulous and forward and don't play games, express exactly how I feel so they know exactly where they stand with me, they can take a long jump off a short plank as far as I'm concerned.

I'm over it. I'm so, so very done with it. And that's sad. The fact that I would have once upon a time censored myself and self-monitored my public-self and I now could care less. Its very sad actually.

And he, who can not handle me at my fabulous best, sure as hell does not deserve me in their life. Which is a pity that he's about to lose the best damn thing to happen to him; and I can say that in confidence since he told me himself.

Mr Negativity

There's this guy in my class who is always moaning.

Now, I write this, and it seems like a good way to start a story about how this guy is so miserable, that in his absence, it is noted how "less gloomy" the aura is. I have someone is my life that is ALWAYS willing to call me a moaner, a negative Nancy, or whatever other names you give to someone that is constantly miserable.

I feel that I am extremely sensitive to the energy around me. I absorb both negative and positive emotions. I remember watching "The secret life of bees" set in 1964 North Caroline featuring Dakota Fanning and Queen Latifah as well as Alicia Keys and Kate Hudson to name a few. One of the supporting actress' is very sensitive to people's pain. She basically cries for the world and carries every bodies pain. Anything that is upsetting whether it was a past infliction or a current hurt, would make her burst into tears and she'd write it on a piece of paper and stick it in a makeshift wall she'd created.
Watching this character brought me to tears. Firstly because no one should ever carry so much hurt as to end their life as she did, but also because I could relate to her somewhat. I write. This is a blog posted on the Internet for anyone to see. There are things I write in a journal put in safe keeping. Deep emotions that can get so dark and twisted they scare me sometimes. So I write them down and put them away.

Anyway, back to Mr Negativity. I have never uttered a single word to this man, but I can tell you about his drama with his now newly engaged ex/ baby mama... I can tell you about how she was out drinking one night at the same bar he was at and how he had to leave because he couldn't stand to see her with her new fiance. I could also tell you how this man refuses to see his son, and has taken absolutely no steps in the right direction to stepping up and being a role model this little boy can look up to. He bitches about his job, about his clients, about how they are all old. YOU WORK IN PHARMACEUTICALS DUDE. He says his clients complain a lot. Well, of cos they do you idiot, THEY COME TO YOU TO FILL A PRESCRIPTION.

So he wasn't there today, in class, and I turned to the young lady who sits beside me and I asked her where her "friend" was. She then proceeded to blow my mind and say: "It feels so much lighter in here, he carries around all that negative energy that weighs the energy in the room down". I was absolutely floored.

And this experience will somewhat change me. Because I know I can get depressed sometimes. And it's easier to wallow in your own misery, than admit that you're being pathetic and just get over it.

One guy effects the attitude and aura of an entire classroom, why give bad energy so much power?!

No ways what I say!!!

The law of attraction is the strongest power in the universe. He has brought so much negativity into his life, and unfortunately I don't see a change as he continues to bitch day in and day out about how much his life sucks.

If I one day feel the need to tell him to stop moaning (because honestly, he makes my life sound good) I'll say: "Cheer up chipper!"

So, I will smile... Even if some days I have to fake it till I feel it. Right now, it's all very very real

It's all relative... Right?

Today has been a good day. No, Today has been a great day. Everything that could and would go wrong, did. And I was pissed off at the world. FML, right? Why me?! Why today? Why can't I just get a break? Why can't my life be simple?

No one said life was easy. Because it's not. It's all hard, and tough. Bridges burn, people die. Life is hard...

But, today, even while life was throwing all it had at me; something utterly amazing happened. I paused, took a deep breath, calmed down, and decided to fight back. To not quit.

In all the sinking I felt I was doing, my head emerged above water, keeping me from drowning.

And, while treading to keep my head above water, a hand grabbed mine and pulled me right out of drowning. And while I looked into those brown eyes; I knew why I loved this unlovable soul.

I don't care what people say. When I look into his eyes, I see my forever. And when he knows to put his arms around me and just let me be, I see a place I never want to leave. When I look at him, I see the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with him. I want someone who when he looks at me, tells me what he sees without looking at me with his eyes. I want someone who can be goofy around me singing me "bollywood music" (very badly) while dancing in a haphazard circle almost tripping over his own long legs and big feet. I want someone who fills that space when I'm driving with him in my car, and our hands touch when adjusting the music volume while he sings (also very badly) to lady Gaga, or Rihanna, or whatever pop-ish music was playing as only the thumping of my pulse filled my ears.

And in that moment, nothing seemed that bad. Nothing could ruin my day as bad as it had been. Everything was OK, nothing mattered as much as how he made me feel; which is alive and happy and full of the unconquerable love.

At the same time, I understand what I want from life. I understand what I must do. I understand what I need, and I am so determined to get it. I must do me. He's not going to ask me to give up my dream, and I wouldn't. because, my dream with him includes me having completed my own dreams first.

And I love him so much, and I honestly think I always will but... He can not give me what I need from him right now; and that's OK. I can give MYSELF what I need right now, and that, is to follow my dreams....

In the moving words of William Ernest Henley:

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade.
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate.
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I'm ready :)

Purpose

Have you ever woken up and wondered what your purpose in life was?
I woke up this morning as my alarm ringed out its annoying tune. I peeled my eyes open with exaggerated difficulty and looked at the same roof I have been staring at for almost three years now. I sighed the same sigh I sigh every morning. The clock read the same time it does every morning, and that heavy weight: that weight that presses down on your chest and makes it hard to breathe, sat patiently on my chest. Getting heavier.

My day ran as usual. The same way it always does on a Wednesday. The only difference is that I finally cracked. I finally unleashed a torrent of anger even if it was possibly misguided. Today something in me just snapped and has made me fed up with how I live my life. I'm fed up feeling like I'm being taken advantage of and I'm fed up with telling people I am fine when I'm not.

I woke up this morning and realisation hit a lot harder than I would have ever thought. I am almost 22 years old, and I feel as if nothing I have done in my life matters. I feel as if I have done nothing worthy. I have not influenced a life. I have not changed something and made it better. I have not helped. I have not built. I have done nothing; but live. No, not live because living implies that I have experienced life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. I have just existed. Walked through life just as an observer. I have not taken part in changing the world. I have watched from the side lines, sometimes cheering sometimes booing, but never getting onto the field and playing the game myself

I want to matter. I want to be the change, see the change and live the change. I want to make a difference and feel as if I have not just lived my life for the sake of existing. I want to make a difference bigger that I am. I want a purpose in this life. I want to be better, do better and create better. Artists create, musicians create. builders and architects create. Doctors heal... I want to be better, I just wish I knew how.

I want my life to feel as if it matters. I want to matter. I want to find a purpose.