Being Female In 2010

I am so annoyed. I know, I know, great way to start a blog once again. I am just brimming with world shattering introductions.

But seriously, I am over this now.

Women fought for equal rights and equal opportunities and the right not to be referred to by a condescending name such as "sugar" accompanied with a slap on the butt and an over exaggerated wink.

Women were burning there bras (which were WAY ugly back then) so that they could be themselves and not have to fit into a mould. Women wanted to show their strengths without having men doubt them. We wanted to think for ourselves. Be ourselves. Make our own decisions and at the end of it all, get what WE WANT.

So then WHY OH WHY does that rule not apply to men???

Why is it, that I can decide for myself education, clothing, whether to marry or not, whether to have children or not, whether to stay at home or be a career orientated woman? Why can I be the CEO of a international company, hire and fire, and make decisions and it's OK. Yet the moment I find a man I want, I can not go after him with the same zealous attitude I would have in conquering a goal, or a mountain, or a promotion, or a competition?? What the eff makes men so god damn special that I have to wait for THEM to decide?!

Arg, and I get so annoyed because why is it I am allowed to know what I want with every aspect of my life, and I am encouraged to go get it with absolute gumption, yet when it's a man I can not.

This is apparently something I just need to "deal with" in life. Knowing what I want seems to be somewhat of a curse, when applicable to the male species. It makes me come across as "desperate". Or "too forward." What ever happened to DECISIVE.

I want to conquer the world. I want to reach my goals and live my dreams yet i am somewhat harnessed back by the fact that when it comes to males the decision isn't all mine! We have to play this stupid game. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR GAMES. I have a life to live, and unfortunately for you, it's FIFO: Fit In Or ---- You fill in the blanks.

It's so frustrating and I don't see why I have to settle if I want happiness, no where in settling does it say I will be content and happy. And how will I live with myself knowing I short changed what I deserve. That's no way for me to live. And quite frankly I refuse to be that way.

I once attempted to change who I was to be perfect for someone else, I refuse to do that to myself anymore. If a man can not handle the fact that I am wonderful and fabulous and forward and don't play games, express exactly how I feel so they know exactly where they stand with me, they can take a long jump off a short plank as far as I'm concerned.

I'm over it. I'm so, so very done with it. And that's sad. The fact that I would have once upon a time censored myself and self-monitored my public-self and I now could care less. Its very sad actually.

And he, who can not handle me at my fabulous best, sure as hell does not deserve me in their life. Which is a pity that he's about to lose the best damn thing to happen to him; and I can say that in confidence since he told me himself.

Mr Negativity

There's this guy in my class who is always moaning.

Now, I write this, and it seems like a good way to start a story about how this guy is so miserable, that in his absence, it is noted how "less gloomy" the aura is. I have someone is my life that is ALWAYS willing to call me a moaner, a negative Nancy, or whatever other names you give to someone that is constantly miserable.

I feel that I am extremely sensitive to the energy around me. I absorb both negative and positive emotions. I remember watching "The secret life of bees" set in 1964 North Caroline featuring Dakota Fanning and Queen Latifah as well as Alicia Keys and Kate Hudson to name a few. One of the supporting actress' is very sensitive to people's pain. She basically cries for the world and carries every bodies pain. Anything that is upsetting whether it was a past infliction or a current hurt, would make her burst into tears and she'd write it on a piece of paper and stick it in a makeshift wall she'd created.
Watching this character brought me to tears. Firstly because no one should ever carry so much hurt as to end their life as she did, but also because I could relate to her somewhat. I write. This is a blog posted on the Internet for anyone to see. There are things I write in a journal put in safe keeping. Deep emotions that can get so dark and twisted they scare me sometimes. So I write them down and put them away.

Anyway, back to Mr Negativity. I have never uttered a single word to this man, but I can tell you about his drama with his now newly engaged ex/ baby mama... I can tell you about how she was out drinking one night at the same bar he was at and how he had to leave because he couldn't stand to see her with her new fiance. I could also tell you how this man refuses to see his son, and has taken absolutely no steps in the right direction to stepping up and being a role model this little boy can look up to. He bitches about his job, about his clients, about how they are all old. YOU WORK IN PHARMACEUTICALS DUDE. He says his clients complain a lot. Well, of cos they do you idiot, THEY COME TO YOU TO FILL A PRESCRIPTION.

So he wasn't there today, in class, and I turned to the young lady who sits beside me and I asked her where her "friend" was. She then proceeded to blow my mind and say: "It feels so much lighter in here, he carries around all that negative energy that weighs the energy in the room down". I was absolutely floored.

And this experience will somewhat change me. Because I know I can get depressed sometimes. And it's easier to wallow in your own misery, than admit that you're being pathetic and just get over it.

One guy effects the attitude and aura of an entire classroom, why give bad energy so much power?!

No ways what I say!!!

The law of attraction is the strongest power in the universe. He has brought so much negativity into his life, and unfortunately I don't see a change as he continues to bitch day in and day out about how much his life sucks.

If I one day feel the need to tell him to stop moaning (because honestly, he makes my life sound good) I'll say: "Cheer up chipper!"

So, I will smile... Even if some days I have to fake it till I feel it. Right now, it's all very very real

It's all relative... Right?

Today has been a good day. No, Today has been a great day. Everything that could and would go wrong, did. And I was pissed off at the world. FML, right? Why me?! Why today? Why can't I just get a break? Why can't my life be simple?

No one said life was easy. Because it's not. It's all hard, and tough. Bridges burn, people die. Life is hard...

But, today, even while life was throwing all it had at me; something utterly amazing happened. I paused, took a deep breath, calmed down, and decided to fight back. To not quit.

In all the sinking I felt I was doing, my head emerged above water, keeping me from drowning.

And, while treading to keep my head above water, a hand grabbed mine and pulled me right out of drowning. And while I looked into those brown eyes; I knew why I loved this unlovable soul.

I don't care what people say. When I look into his eyes, I see my forever. And when he knows to put his arms around me and just let me be, I see a place I never want to leave. When I look at him, I see the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to grow old with him. I want someone who when he looks at me, tells me what he sees without looking at me with his eyes. I want someone who can be goofy around me singing me "bollywood music" (very badly) while dancing in a haphazard circle almost tripping over his own long legs and big feet. I want someone who fills that space when I'm driving with him in my car, and our hands touch when adjusting the music volume while he sings (also very badly) to lady Gaga, or Rihanna, or whatever pop-ish music was playing as only the thumping of my pulse filled my ears.

And in that moment, nothing seemed that bad. Nothing could ruin my day as bad as it had been. Everything was OK, nothing mattered as much as how he made me feel; which is alive and happy and full of the unconquerable love.

At the same time, I understand what I want from life. I understand what I must do. I understand what I need, and I am so determined to get it. I must do me. He's not going to ask me to give up my dream, and I wouldn't. because, my dream with him includes me having completed my own dreams first.

And I love him so much, and I honestly think I always will but... He can not give me what I need from him right now; and that's OK. I can give MYSELF what I need right now, and that, is to follow my dreams....

In the moving words of William Ernest Henley:

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade.
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate.
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

I'm ready :)